When Love Does not Reach Us

Rembrandt, Return of the Prodigal Son

“Love is transformational only when it is received in vulnerability.”

Reading this observation from David Benner helped me see why I lived so long in fear and mistrust:

“It seems that the experience of love—even God’s love—does not always have transforming consequences. It is important to understand why this is the case if we are to allow ourselves to meet divine love in ways that lead to genuine change.

“The single most important thing I have learned in over thirty years of study of how love produces healing is that love is transformational only when it is received in vulnerability.

“Suppose that with God’s help, I am able to love my son unconditionally. But if he is desperately trying to please me, the unconditional nature of my love will not be noticed. And there will be no deep experience of knowing himself deeply and unconditionally loved. Receiving love while he is trying to earn it will only reinforce his efforts to be lovable. Far from being transformational, this will only increase his efforts to earn love. And any love he receives will only be experienced as the fruit of these efforts.

“Genuine transformation requires vulnerability. It is not the fact of being loved unconditionally that is life-changing. It is the risky experience of allowing myself to be loved unconditionally.

David Benner, Surrender to Love, 76